We Hit A Wall And We Can't Get Over It (Nothing To Relive)
by Ciara2531
Summary: Even though she was still there, he'd lost her and it hurt. An Oliver centric companion piece to Somewhere In This City Is A Road I Know (Where We Could Make It)


**A/N: So the response to Somewhere In This City Is A Road I Know (Where We Could Make It) was beyond amazing and almost immediately, the beginnings of this companion piece came to mind. Especially since a lot of the reviews mentioned being so glad that Felicity was taking a stand for herself. It kinda made me want to look at things from Oliver's perspective because I think he's hurting as much as she is.**

**It's not an excuse for the choices he makes and Felicity absolutely should judge him on what he does not why he does it. But as someone who loves both these characters to pieces, I like to think I can give equal value to each of their sides of the story.**

**I hope you like it. Feedback is love!**

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><p>He noticed.<p>

Of course he noticed.

At first it was fewer hours at the foundry, then it was lunch with different friends and colleagues every day of the week. Eventually it was weekends in Central City with Barry who was awake and clearly on the mend.

All of it meant that in the blink of an eye Felicity had stopped being the constant in his life. Yes, he could rely on her when it came to the mission they'd undertaken, and she was still by his side at QC doing a job she tolerated at best, out of loyalty to him.

But those things weren't enough to hide the fact that even though she was still _there,_ he'd lost her and it hurt. He knew it was his own fault and if he was honest, there was a part of him that was proud she'd found the strength to pull away because he knew he was too much of a selfish prick to have let her go. Not when she was the closest thing to peace that he'd found since getting off the island the first time.

But she was too good to be his crutch, his mechanism for coping with a world that seemed to turn on its head every time he thought he was getting a grip on it. She deserved the life she'd been carving out for herself the last couple of months, one that seemed to actually make her happy. It was a lot more than he would ever be able to offer her, even on his best days.

Which seemed to be fewer and farther between of late.

Pinching the bridge of his nose, he closed his eyes in an attempt to center himself. He was close to a breaking point that he hadn't reached in a long time. There was the physical toll of staying on top of the city's criminal element, especially with the Mirakuru serum still out there and Team Arrow no closer to figuring out who was masterminding it all.

Mostly though, it was the emotional toll of everything else going on in his life that was testing his limits. Coming to terms with his mother's lies and the fact that he was being forced validate them by not telling Thea the truth would have been bad enough. But then there was all the drama with Laurel and Sara. He knew he hadn't helped that in the least by getting together with Sara and if not actively throwing it in Laurel's face then not doing anything to hide it either.

It was another one of those selfish decisions that he was so good at making but it was one of the few he couldn't bring himself to actually regret. He and Sara had so many of the same demons and that had been true even before the Gambit went down. She understood pain and loss and survival the same way he did, the way Lian Yu had taught them to, and she found the same oblivion in him as he found in her.

It wasn't the sweetness and sunshine that Felicity made him crave but it was a hell of a lot better than being completely alone. Or so he tried to convince himself. The problem was the more he wanted his relationship with Sara to fill the void Felicity was leaving behind, the bigger the void seemed to get.

Jumping onto the salmon ladder, he tried to block out his thoughts by making his muscles burn. He'd been at it for more than an hour when he spied a blond ponytail in his peripheral vision. He dropped down behind her and she let out a startled squeak.

"_Noise_, Oliver," she reprimanded him. "One of these days your ninja habits are going to give me a heart attack."

She wrinkled her nose.

"You stink," she informed him.

Oliver huffed out a breath.

"No, seriously," Felicity said. "You do."

Oliver gave her a small smile, his eyes intent on her face.

"I miss you," he said, the words out of his mouth before he could think better of saying them.

He saw the flash of surprise in her eyes before she masked it.

"I'm right here," she said lightly.

"Only you're not," Oliver said.

Felicity sighed.

"Oliver," she said helplessly. "What do you want me to say?"

"Nothing," Oliver said. "There's nothing. I'm just…I'm sorry that I couldn't…that I'm not…"

"Please don't," Felicity said.

Oliver gave a jerky nod. She was right. There was no point putting words to all his regrets. It wouldn't do either of them any good.

"I'll go take a shower," he said instead.

Pain shot through his body with every step he took away from her but it had nothing to do with the physical energy he'd exerted and everything to do with the finality he'd seen in her eyes. Apparently without realizing it, there'd been a part of him clinging to the miniscule possibility that somehow it wasn't completely over, that they hadn't crossed the point of no return quite yet.

But they had - _she_ had - and he had to accept it the same way she'd accepted that he wasn't in a position to give her what she needed.

He found himself standing under water hot enough to blister his skin, staring unfocusedly at the white tiles in front of him. The weight of the last few months, hell the last few years, seemed to press down on him all at once, harder than ever. He was, Oliver realized, blinking moisture out of his eyes, incredibly _tired_.

_And for what_, he thought bitterly. Even if he managed to carry out the mission he'd set himself without getting killed, there wouldn't be any respite. The sacrifices were made, the damage done and none of it could be undone. There was no life after the hood, not really.

He sensed Sara's presence before she stepped into shower with him and as usual she seemed to tune into his mood instantly. She didn't speak, just rested her cheek against his shoulder blade.

Oliver closed his eyes and for once he let himself actually imagine what it might have been like if everything was different, if _he_ were different. If he weren't the Hood or CEO of QC, if he was just Oliver and if he'd come back from the island a changed man but less broken, would that have been enough for her?

Would she have been able to love him?

Would he have been able to love her back?

What would that life look like?

"Whatever you're thinking about is tearing you up," Sara murmured. "Stop torturing yourself, Ollie."

"Not sure I know how anymore," Oliver admitted. "Not sure I ever knew how."

He pulled away from her then and stepped out of the shower to dry off and get dressed. When he re-emerged into the foundry, Felicity was sitting at her computers, fingers flying and Diggle was standing next to her.

The older man glanced up when he saw Oliver and his eyes narrowed a little. Oliver wasn't sure if it was a query or a warning so he simply shook his head and walked over to his arrows. He started sharpening them one by one, losing himself in the methodical nature of the task. It took Felicity coming to stand right in front of him to get his attention.

"Earth to Oliver," she said, waving a hand in front of his face. "I asked if you wanted me to call Roy to go with you and check out that warehouse. We traced the purchase to an account at the last bank that was robbed."

"Ollie needs a night off," Sara announced striding into the room. "I'll take the kid and check out the warehouse. You can head out too if you need to."

Felicity frowned slightly.

"You sure?" she asked.

"Yeah," Sara said. "I'm used to working with less back up than this. It'll be fine."

"Oliver?" Felicity questioned.

"It's Friday," Oliver said, his voice scratchier than he would have liked. "You should go have fun. We'll be fine."

"Okay," Felicity said. "I'll catch the early train to Central City but if you guys need anything, call."

Felicity gathered up her things and Diggle decided to walk her to her car. When Sara and Oliver were alone, she approached him.

"When dreams die you have to let them go, Oliver," Sara said quietly. "Yours just walked out the door and got on a train to Central City."

Oliver tried to hide his flinch but he didn't think he was entirely successful.

"So what now?" he asked, repeating the question he'd asked their first time in the foundry.

"I still don't know," Sara said.

"Yeah," Oliver said. "I don't either."


End file.
